My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
try to milk me bitch
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