the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize