I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She said her name was "party"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
