I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
