I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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