Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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