How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
