Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
