Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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