Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
