He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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