Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
