who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
