he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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