Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
