my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
