people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
40s are totally the cure
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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