another moral hangover. fuck.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
