meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
