I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
