there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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