I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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