I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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