I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
