it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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