It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
