apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
