I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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