Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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