I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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