my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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