i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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