Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
