There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
