Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
