Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
