I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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