I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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