oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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