So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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