She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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