Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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