I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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