I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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