Slut skills are useful in every country.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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