Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm just crazy horny about you
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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