when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
