2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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