i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You are a genius and a whore.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
