i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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