What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
