Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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