Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize