I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
