I wannas sexs uuuuu
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
