Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
