I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
