I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Randomize
