i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i love accidental penises.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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