I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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