pop tarts are not kleenex
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
