The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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