Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
